Today I am sick. I woke up with a sore throat, stuffed
up nose and my head in a fog. It
is only under these conditions that I am forced to stop multi-tasking and just
be still. Yet in between sneezes,
I try to sew a scarf or write a parody song and yes, apply for a library job
because I know that for people like me, there are no days off. I don’t get paid for sick days or
vacations so I can’t justify allowing a little thing like a head cold prevent
me from producing some kind of result in one of my many projects. So here I am writing on this blog in an
effort to be productive while at the same time feeling somewhat weak that I am
not strong enough to be doing more.
When I am sick, I am at
my most vulnerable. I want to
quit. I feel guilty, then shame
from realizing I have allowed a month to go by without sharing anything on
here. Perhaps those words of
‘vulnerability,’ ‘guilt,’ and ‘shame’ are on the tip of my tongue because I was
just introduced to Brene Brown and her book Daring Greatly, thanks to a friend I haven’t seen in five years
who I ran into at yet another funeral. Great book and I mean no offense to Brown, but I’ve been ‘daring greatly’ my whole life. Putting myself out in the world – flaws
and all - has never been a problem for me, I was born courageous.
The problem I have is functioning in a world when most people are afraid
of your courage as a result of their own insecurities. Try applying for a job working for
those people! Impossible.
I don’t do what I do
because I think I am funny or talented or smart. I do it because I don’t have a choice. I don’t fit in anywhere else. I've tried (and I keep trying) but at the end of the day, I’m certainly not going
to let my skills and experiences go to waste. Just last week I went on an interview and two minutes in I
knew I wouldn’t get the job. I had
overwhelmed people yet again. You
think? While most people just work
40-hour weeks, I work all of them – without the use of drugs or alcohol. Even when I sleep, I dream about what I
have yet to do and just how I might be able to accomplish it. My creative mind never stops, nor my
need to live life to the fullest.
I just wish sometimes the voices of doubt in my head would shut the hell
up so I can accomplish even more. I also wish I had some help once in awhile.
So it should be no
surprise that I am here on a Sunday, a bowl of chicken noodle soup resting next
to my keyboard, utilizing my courage to will myself back to health so I can
continue on this often-difficult road of being a creative person with no idea
where she is going with any of it.
Two days ago, I finally finished editing my new “Stand-Up Librarian Sizzle Reel” that showcases my work and features footage from various shows and
videos from the past year.
Apparently you need these short, 3-minute reels to get bookings and show people
who you are. Right, because then
they will understand…
***For a direct link to the video, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ghc6XLv0uo
