Happy New Year!

Since it is already the 5^th, most of you have probably put away your party horns and finally sobered up from all of those champagne toasts!  I actually celebrated six months of sobriety yesterday – a decision I made back on July 4^th not as a result of alcoholism or drug addiction, but because I needed a very clear head to make an important decision that would perhaps alter my life in a big way - whether or not to leave Los Angeles.

As I am exhausted from traveling (and as a result developed a slight cold), I will utilize my activities and photos from New Year's Eve to tell a short story in how I made that difficult decision...

This past year was like a labyrynth of little bags of lights leading me on a path through the darkness of the unknown.  Some days it seemed like I was on the right path, only to be faced with a dead end where I would then have to turn back around and attempt a different approach. 

Once in awhile, out of the blue, a miracle would happen - like snow falling from the sky in Florida...

  

...or comp tickets to a Cheap Trick concert from an old friend, reminding me to remain hopeful and optimistic, things could change in a moment, often when you least expect them.

And while 2011 was full of obstacles and setbacks, there were several successes too.  Celebrating the New Year not with a toast of champagne, but sparkling white grape juice?  It took 20 years to accomplish that one!

And the next morning when I greeted 2012 with my eyes fully open - not influenced by alcohol or the opinions of others - I found that everything was suddenly so clear.  The resolution I tied on this 10-ft 'Resolution Dress' wasn't about zip codes, income, or job titles, but about my willingness to accept life's journey wherever it may lead me.

I know now that leaving Los Angeles isn't about quitting, giving up, or failing.  It isn't filled with anger or sadness either.  It is just another step in the adventure that is my life.  All I have to do is continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. 

TO BE CONTINUED...

Believe

So I have been away from this thing for almost two weeks. I’m not one for excuses so I’ll just fill you in on what you’ve missed. Me on a plane back to Los Angeles. No place to live. No full-time job to work. No car to drive. No money to spend. Me sleeping on couches with nothing but hopes and dreams and probably a ton of delusion that this time will be different from when I left eight months ago to finish this Masters degree to be a librarian. My parents wanted to me to stay in Florida while I looked for work – they thought a supportive environment would be helpful - I knew better than to fall for that. It’s when you put it all on the line that you prevail.

I won’t bore you with the heartache that is in LA as well – my ex has moved on to dating someone ten years younger than me, yet my stuff still consumes the house we lived in together that he probably brings her to. How LA, right? So, instead of just moving forward, I have to constantly deal with the past, which is the toughest part in all of this – the emotional garbage that fills the trash can that was that life. Well, that and the lack of library jobs available right now. After working for free in libraries for the last year as an intern and a volunteer hoping to impress someone enough to get them to then hire me, I find I was naïve in thinking they had the power.

The library field is not PR – I can’t talk my way into this one, ignoring all no’s until people just do what I want them to do out of pure exhaustion. The library field is not acting – I can’t just turn in a headshot and hope I have the right look for the part. The library field is not stand-up comedy – I can’t just win over the audience by a killer impression or a witty punch line. The library application process is ‘legal’ and ‘by the book’ – which frustrates me and makes me feel hopeless since my personality is usually what sells, not my resume (regardless of how good I think it looks.) Plus, the process is long. You sometimes have two months to submit applications and then another two months for the committee to interview the candidates.

Who has time for this? I do – because I am making ME a priority again.

Everything has changed. I have changed. I am certainly smarter – the Masters degree is an example of that – but I am stronger in ways I never knew I could be. I want to work harder than I ever have in my life – and I have worked pretty hard over the years. I want to do whatever I can to make my dreams come true, not depending on anyone for anything. I am no longer someone who thinks I am entitled to anything – not a couch, not a job, not a friend. And that has made all of the difference. I no longer have high expectations for others, just for myself. Plus I smile more now. I am amazed just how much I smile – even when there is nothing but obstacles in my way or insensitive jerks that won’t let me sleep on my own couch. Maybe it is because I am happier or maybe it is just because there is no place to go but up. So this time, I know I will succeed.

And I already have.

In one week, I have worked every single day, while securing two additional jobs and applying for twenty more, should those fall through. I have had friends open the doors to their small apartments to allow me to sleep on their couches while at the same time lending an ear when I have a moment of doubt. And just so we are clear, a moment of self-pity is all I allow. I don’t have the time for anything more.

I am very sorry that nothing about this post is about the field of librarianship or making you laugh but since my mission with this blog is to offer you insight into the journey that is my life, I had to share it with you.

One last thing…

I started my first PR job in NYC ten years ago on July 10, 2000 – a decision that changed the direction of my life forever – but that is a whole other blog. I celebrated by buying a hundred dollar keychain at Tiffany, where I had the date and the word ‘Believe’ engraved on it. I wanted a reminder that my dream of moving to NYC was an example that anything is possible, even when the odds seem like they are against you. What people don’t realize is that I have always been a librarian, with or without the degree. For years, I have utilized the free information that surrounds all of us – using it to survive, reassess my dreams, and reinvent myself, all while trying to remaining hopeful in a world that sometimes seems lost. I’ve carried that ‘Believe’ keychain for ten years but have forgotten to look at it. Till now…