The Meredith Myers Library

It is no secret that I have been very anxious over the past several years to be involved in the library field at some level, which is why I have spent countless hours being an intern and volunteer at various libraries across the country, in anticipation of one day having a paid position on staff.  In hiring myself, it makes complete sense to now open the doors of the Meredith Myers Library!  I mean, who doesn’t want their own library!?!  I am so excited at the thought of using my own personal library to encourage more people to read.  Sure, the mailman seemed about as excited as I was to see that cable bill, but I know he will be back.  After all, it’s his job, so he has too!  And you know what, plummer man?  You are going to read too.  Like a book on how to correctly fix a sink.  

So in Part 2 of "Meredith Hires Herself," Meredith and Meredith discuss the new Meredith Myers Library and what sets this library apart from other libraries…for starters, we have an executive chef!

Although inspired in part by true incidents, the following video is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event, even though the actresses look a lot like Meredith Myers and say they are numerous times. In reality, Meredith Myers is the ultimate professional and takes her job as a librarian very seriously and would never steal office supplies, so any future employers should not let this video affect their decision to hire her. The only thing she is guilty of is having a sense of humor during tough economic times. And yes, parts of this disclaimer was pulled from the "Law & Order" TV show.

Here I Go Again

I’ve hesitated for years to do a blog because I just don’t have the...dicsilpline...disipline...discipline! See? I can’t even spell the word!!!! Anyway, my point is that I am now going a month without writing on this and I feel terrible because I know all four of you out there must be freaking out because the last time I wrote I was sleeping on couches and exhausting myself with two jobs, praying that a stupid keychain I bought ten years ago was going to be some motivator to make my dreams come true. Maybe you were wondering – what happened to that girl that was supposed to be funny on this blog and has instead turned out to be a real downer? Did she have to sell her laptop in order to buy more celery sticks? Or, maybe she ran out of couches to sleep on and ended up homeless on the street, her dirty, calloused hands still gripping that Tiffany keychain tightly as one last reminder of her dream of librarianship?

Well, you can breathe deeply again, the good news is that I am sleeping in my own bed in my new apartment that I have been living in for the past several weeks. The not-so-good news is that I am still exhausting myself with no days off from my two jobs, plus I now have to spend up to a half-hour every night just trying to find a parking space in my new neighborhood which is filled with taco trucks and broken down cars that mostly take up the street parking. Don’t get me started on the guy that drives the ice cream truck around and around the block every night at 8:30pm blaring that annoying music to irritate all of us without kids or a need for sugar before bedtime. Seriously, if there is a better birth control than this truck, I don’t know what it is.

Yes, I am still in search of a library job and have applied to several but of which I have been turned down by all. My first rejection came from the University of Southern California, which is BS because I am good friends with two people who went there – one of which who can’t keep a job and the other works in porn…OK, maybe I don’t want to work there, after all. But seriously, I applied for a Reference and Instructional Librarian position that would “develop and provide information resources and expertise with an emphasis on communication, journalism, and other disciplines in the social sciences and humanities as assigned.” I have ten years working in PR, how could I not at least get called in for an interview for this one? PR stands for Public Relations – communicating with the pubic through the use of journalists – not even your new Reference and Instructional Librarian needs to look that up - jeez.

Well, at least they sent an email saying they didn’t want me, something the Art Institute of California – Hollywood couldn’t even manage to do. Here’s a library job that wanted a librarian with fashion experience. Hilarious! Try finding another librarian that was the Director of PR for Vivienne Tam and has attended numerous high-profile runway shows in NYC (and sat front row, mind you, right next to Anna Wintour! OK, a few seats over, but still.) Plus, I am currently working for Lloyd Klein Couture, the only Parisian couture designer in Los Angeles!!! How could they not want me???? But nope, not even an email thanking for me for my submission. I am literally receiving emails from students from this very school wanting to come intern with us and yet my librarian application didn’t impress anyone over there in the HR dept. Who the hell is looking over these applications? Some girl from “The Hills” putting her name on yet another dress made out of jersey material?

Oh and over a month ago, I spent two hours applying for a children’s librarian job at the Burbank Public Library – what a process! I was sitting on my friend’s balcony, mooching off her neighbor’s wireless, all the while praying that each time I submitted information into the online application (that apparently couldn’t be saved) that the Internet wouldn’t suddenly go out with me losing everything. The big surprise at the end of the application was the five questions that I wasn’t the least bit prepared to answer. Questions like:

1. Describe the materials and other components (songs, fingerplays, etc.) you would use for a storytime about colors for toddlers age two and under.
2. List three books you would booktalk to the 4th/5th Grade Book Club. Choose one and write a short (approximately 100 words) original booktalk.
3. Describe any experience you have had working with children under age five and how it helped prepare you for this job.
4. Describe any experience you have had managing unruly preteens. What would you do if a group of five 13-year-olds was talking and laughing loudly, throwing paper at each other and disturbing other patrons in the library?

I tried so very hard not to write jokes about my ex-boyfriend for question #3 but I was so exhausted and at the end of my rope that I almost jumped from that balcony just so I would never have to fill out another job application ever again…but I didn’t. I answered them in nice, complete sentences like a true professional that really wants a job.

But I guess I didn’t get this one either, so if I was going to answer #3 the way that I wanted to…

“I’ve actually got years of experience in working with children under age five as I recently dated one! As I look back, I am so glad that I can now utilize that experience for this job as a children’s librarian. For example, in dating HIM:

• I always had to dress him before we left the house – therefore, have experience with helping children put on shoes and coats after storytime;
• I always had to remind him to lock the car doors every time we got out (even when the car was filled with computers and luggage while on a trip) – therefore, have experience with patience as a result of having to constantly repeat the same words over and over again even though the children aren’t listening;
• And speaking of trips, I always planned every trip, outing, dinner, date, we ever went on – therefore, have experience coordinating storytime activities with special holiday-themed events. Can even bake cookies and do fun birthday scavenger hunt with hundreds of dollars worth of gifts which you didn’t seem to appreciate even though it took a week to plan you motherf….(sorry I got off track there for a sec – hee hee);
• I always had to pick out my own birthday and Xmas gifts since according to him, he was ‘not good at giving gifts’ (he also bought my Valentine’s Day flowers at a gas station so I guess he was also cheap) – so very experienced with purchasing storytime craft supplies within a tight library budget;
• And lastly, in dating HIM, when playtime was over, I always had to clap hands and act like he did good – therefore, EXTREMELY EXPERIENCED in make believe!”

Wow, that felt good – and apparently I have more experience than I thought in working with kids! OK, I joke, I joke. Seriously, I haven’t thought about HIM in weeks. I don’t even say his name since I just don’t care anymore – it is not worth my time – which is rarely free these days. When you are busy and moving forward in your life, it doesn’t really matter what you aren’t getting or whom you aren’t being with. I decided the moment I moved into my new place to start exercising my full attention into the people and projects that are in my life NOW, and stop putting so much energy into things that were out of my control.

Sure, I was bummed that I didn’t get some of these jobs but I got over it because I had other people who did see my talent and wanted to pay me for it. That is not to say that I don’t want certain things for my future – a librarian job would be great but so would my own talk show or a regular gig on Conan’s new show (putting it out into the universe, people, it couldn’t hurt). The point is, I don’t know where I am going but I sure know where I have been - wait, I think that is a Whitesnake song - boy, am I cheesy at 1am! Anyway, things are good and I pray that things keep getting better - OK now that’s a Christina Aguilera song...wow, I am going downhill fast. Apparently I need sleep – goodnight people. And yes, “to walk along the lonely street of dreams, and here I go again on my own…”

How the ALA kicked my A$$ Into Shape

I’ve been home from the ALA national conference for two full days and I can’t bring myself to do a thing but catch up on season two of “True Blood” from NetFlix. The conference sucked the life out of me faster than Eric Northman on pretty fangbanger. I have no idea how to recover. Never have I ever been more overwhelmed by literature. Forget AA, I need ALA-A. My name is Meredith, and I am an American Library Association addict.

Before leaving Florida, I had developed a schedule outlining each and every meeting, workshop, and author signing that I had an interest in attending. There was little time for bathroom breaks or lunches, which was probably a big mistake but I was determined to make the best of it and secure myself a job. My email to the ALA career counselor had returned saying that she was already booked, so now I had to add ‘Stalk career counselor by hanging around job placement center for chance run-in’ on the schedule, which was really putting a time crunch on the “Dewey the Library Cat” author signing. I secretly hoped people were over that cat by now and could therefore knock out that signing in minutes. Oh the stress! Cute cat in library vs. me getting career advice that I so desperately need. What to do?

So I stupidly went for the cat book but was first in line and was then able to stalk the career counselor for the extra twenty minutes I had originally blocked out for cat lady. Career counselor was nice but didn’t say anything of real importance so probably a waste of time. That, or I talked too much again and can’t remember what she advised me to do. Dangitt! Make note - don’t need career counselor, need muzzle.

Since I was already in the ALA Job Placement Center, I decided to try and speak with the seven recruiters who looked bored off their asses in their booths. Wow, how unprofessional of me. Did I not learn anything from the counselor? I meant to say, who all looked leisurely and welcoming in their career stations. Another waste of time - nobody was hiring entry-level librarians! If that wasn’t bad enough, they seemed upset that we were the only people who seemed to be inquiring! Gee, I wonder why. Maybe because most of the upper management had jobs that could afford to send them to DC for the conference, which they instead used to go on Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol” tour thus skipping the conference entirely.

Not to worry, I did get plenty of “I would happy to take your resume and put it on file.” Can we stop saying this, people? There is no file. You know it. We know it. Besides, we are just killing more trees by all of this pretending. For once I wish someone would just say, “Go back to waiting tables, you’d have better luck.” Then I wouldn’t have to continue to carry my heavy work portfolio around in my trendy briefcase in the hopes that someone would be interested in looking over my bookmarks tied to Banned Book Week or my table display ideas for sexy seniors. Let’s just say I got more compliments on the hat I was wearing than I did on the head full of library knowledge that was wearing it. Don’t get me wrong. I am all about fashion, but how cool is my hat going to be when I am wearing it on the streets mumbling cataloguing codes or classifying my shopping cart full of free books. I need a job!

I don’t want to place all the blame of my exhaustion and insanity on the free books given away in the exhibit hall or the lack of leads from the placement center, as I’m sure there were certainly other reasons. Specifically, my diet of iced coffee and carrot sticks. After spending the week before in NYC, where I was eating everything in sight, I felt a real need to ignore the overpriced, unimpressive edibles available to us at the conference center and instead hit Whole Foods to fill my backpack with healthy alternatives that included celery, grape tomatoes, and a small container of hummus. The daily workout of carrying twenty pounds of books from the expo to the Metro and up a steep hill to my friend’s apartment also helped with my cardio and weight training, which is why I was able to drop any weight I gained in NYC in no time at all.

Now I am only an out-of-work librarian, so please check with your doctor before you starve yourself for free books, but I say look at the positives, people. I may not have a job but I am looking better than ever – thanks ALA!